That I've been carrying a heavy load.
I look forward to the new year.
New beginnings, as they say.
Change is coming, not because of the new year,
but because it is time for it, and change is inevitable.
This past year has been terrible, horrendous even,
and absolutely great at times.
I've met incredible people and lost dear friends.
I've learned to tell you all that I love you, and hope you know I mean it.
Is it possible that everything was focused on one point, and with that point having disappeared my focus has little direction? yes.
Am i over it? no.
Do i think about it everyday? yes.
Do I sometimes wish things were just the same, and had never changed? yes.
Do i regret the things that have passed? No, only the way they passed.
Knowing they could have happened differently weighs heavy in my thoughts.
I look forward to the new year.
New beginnings, as they say.
Change is coming, not because of the new year,
but because it is time for it, and change is inevitable.
This past year has been terrible, horrendous even,
and absolutely great at times.
I've met incredible people and lost dear friends.
I've learned to tell you all that I love you, and hope you know I mean it.
Is it possible that everything was focused on one point, and with that point having disappeared my focus has little direction? yes.
Am i over it? no.
Do i think about it everyday? yes.
Do I sometimes wish things were just the same, and had never changed? yes.
Do i regret the things that have passed? No, only the way they passed.
Knowing they could have happened differently weighs heavy in my thoughts.
Bloo!
It would be a lie to deny that sometimes I wonder where you are and what you're doing, and I can easily imagine what WE would be doing. Because I can remember the little faces of the nieces who love you wholeheartedly- the ones you were terrified would forget who you were because you couldn't see them as often as you liked. I can remember laughing, and cooking, working side by side, well thought out gifts that I could never compete with, and I remember me with you. Mostly-I loved myself with you. I miss who I was with you. But I also remember crying alone. Being alone. resenting you. waiting for you. agreeing with you. using you as an excuse. and I remember the mean part of you that I never knew existed. I'm done with this.
Plans.Plans.Plans.Plans. I detest plans. I love plans. I love order.
but we had plans...
This year has been for us. For terrible change. For mourning and memories. For collecting and letting go. For poor judgement and confusion, and accepting the things I cannot change. For living in three different places that all lie in the same city. For not following through.
This year has been for making an utter mess of my life. Success.
Tomorrow is just a day, just as the day that follows will be.
And so, despite the day, this new year will be for taking responsibility of my own actions, for getting things in order, for coming and going, and hopefully some love-filled welcome good- byes. For using my time wisely, and loving everything I can.
Dreadfully sorry for the photo. It had to be done. This is letting go.
Thank you to those who love me.
and listened.
and care.
and helped me move my life from place to silly place.
I am still.
