Golden & Delicious

Something great happened today…wonderful even. I was wondering through the craft store holding two skiens of super soft chunky yarn searching for ½” genuine leather buttons. Brown buttons. For some scarves my mother has been crocheting….. And my sister’s friends have been purchasing. Then- my eyes fell on what could very well be the most beautiful buttons I have ever seen. I could imagine them paired with every single yarn I’ve ever bought. My immediate thought beyond knitting? I MUST buy all of these buttons, take them home with me, and replace all the boring buttons on all my boring clothes! Fist of all, these marvelous little guys were about $4.95.. For two buttons, and buying $40 worth of beautiful deliciousness doesn’t exactly fit into my Nanny-ing budget. Second, and maybe sadly, these buttons wouldn’t better anything I own in my wardrobe at home. So, instead of buying ALL of the buttons …. I bought one package of two. For fear of loving them so much, and thusly never finding that perfect project for them….holding on and holding on until finally they end up in a a zip-lock bag in the bottom of a drawer with all off my other buttons I’ve never used. Just two perfect, wonderful buttons. Two buttons that took me by surprise and inspired me to come home and knit!….and write a blog about them…
So, here they are….

Also, I learned to crochet last night. Mi madre has been crocheting these cozy little neck-warmers out of super bulky Lions Brand yarn. With all of the colors of fall surrounding me (and covering our coffee table…and kitchen table…) in the form of wonderful fibers, and my mediocre knitting skills boring me a bit- I asked my mom to teach me to crochet this neck-warmer. I have, in the past, tried to learn to crochet. Beginning with, what could be easier? A scarf. Well, starting with some gorgeous yarn that I could easily imagine wrapping around my neck in the middle of a not-so-frigid Tennessee Fall, I would begin. Usually looking promising at first. Straight edges, even number of stitches…..until an hour or so later it more closely resembled a pile of dead leaves rather than a luscious , warm and cozy scarf. That would usually be my attempt for the year. Maybe next Fall Mom, thanks for trying. Well, not this time. My brain actually absorbed the stitches she showed…though, I am somewhat ashamed of the fact I don’t remember the names of said stitches…one was a Post Stitch maybe….
Anyway, completion! I even made another today, all on my own while sitting little William.
So here they are…

Good morning… from up North.

I’m currently in sunny Ann Arbor Michigan visiting a dear friend. The weather has been wonderful to me since I arrived. Which is great, especially after two short, but equally annoying plane rides. It’s been in the low 70s, partly cloudy with a strong breeze. Beautiful!

I’ll be here until Friday, then on to South Bend, Indiana, where much of my family lives.

It’s funny to take a vacation from… well, a vacation. I haven’t worked in about a month, and I’m starting to get a bit antsy. I’ve been sewing and crafting and doing other various “creative” activities- none of which have held my interest for any extended amount of time. Which is not to say that I’m not completely excited about being able to create whatever I want, whenever I want, make dinner for my parents almost every night, see my nieces and nephews on a weekly basis, and take a trip without any extensive planning as far as a job is concerned. It’s been refreshing, a much needed change of pace-though, when I finally start school again (or whatever I decide to do with myself), that change will be just as welcomed and exciting. I’m looking forward to having some well planned out tasks in front of me.

When I get back home from Indy next Monday I’ll be starting a new job. I’m going to be a nanny for a sweet family in Knoxville who just had their first baby—an adorable little boy named William with a round face and bright blue eyes. I’m very glad a job came my way that doesn’t involve waiting tables or scanning groceries….

Oh, and here’s my dream creating space. Looks very… IKEA-y….

. no place like _______.

Exactly one week has passed since leaving my dear ones in Nashville for a more… slow-paced break from what my existence had been for almost exactly 2 years. I honestly never thought this would be a decision I would make, and I’m still, very much, getting used to the idea of being “home”. In the past week my activities have included: packing, un-packing, cleaning, doing laundry, organizing, re-packing, cooking, ghosty marathons, a lot of brainstorming, and finally some sewing.

My parents have given me free reign of a large room in there house-which has become my (somewhat messy) designated area for creating. I am grateful for this, and only occasionally remind myself that it’s temporary.

And there is my past week.

love. love. r.

Keeper

I fill up my life with things that are forgotten.

I try so hard to forget.

And yet, the dreams keep coming.

The dreams where you're my knight.

The dreams where you walk up to me,

and my heart beat slows,

my mind clears,

and I rest.

There was so much comfort there.

I know your one dimple.

I know it better that the lines of my own hand.

I know the reassurance the sight of it brought me.

Once upon a time.

It's been so long, and yet,

Here I am--suddenly and fully dreaming of you.

Three hundred and ninety days later.

Since the last time I saw your face.

I remember it well,

the pain in that face.

And the dreams!

Oh! The dreams!

So real they trick me into believing no time has passed at all,

and we're happy.

God, how we're happy.

My memory lies so much.

I truly thought I was done.

I know now I can't be, not really.

I hold on far too tightly to ever be done.

I am the keeper of things that should be forgotten.

Still

And so she has and will continue to wish to be anything but what she is– a lonely sad little girl, hoping that someone will turn her into what she always wishes she could be and would be and wants to be…all of those things being somewhat the opposite of what she is today. Right now, at this very moment. She does, in reality, constantly make excuses, and wants. She wants everything, she wants and wants and wants, and needs and wishes. Is it true that everything she could ever want is right in front of her, waiting for her to reach out and take it. Maybe, but nothing is really ever that easy, especially for sad, scared little indecisive girls. Feeling that nothing about her is wanted, nothing about her needed. Just nothing. She is nothing. Empty.

You can see by the lines on my hands-

That I've been carrying a heavy load.

I look forward to the new year.
New beginnings, as they say.
Change is coming, not because of the new year,
but because it is time for it, and change is inevitable.
This past year has been terrible, horrendous even,
and absolutely great at times.
I've met incredible people and lost dear friends.
I've learned to tell you all that I love you, and hope you know I mean it.

Is it possible that everything was focused on one point, and with that point having disappeared my focus has little direction? yes.

Am i over it? no.
Do i think about it everyday? yes.
Do I sometimes wish things were just the same, and had never changed? yes.
Do i regret the things that have passed? No, only the way they passed.
Knowing they could have happened differently weighs heavy in my thoughts.

Bloo!

It would be a lie to deny that sometimes I wonder where you are and what you're doing, and I can easily imagine what WE would be doing. Because I can remember the little faces of the nieces who love you wholeheartedly- the ones you were terrified would forget who you were because you couldn't see them as often as you liked. I can remember laughing, and cooking, working side by side, well thought out gifts that I could never compete with, and I remember me with you. Mostly-I loved myself with you. I miss who I was with you. But I also remember crying alone. Being alone. resenting you. waiting for you. agreeing with you. using you as an excuse. and I remember the mean part of you that I never knew existed. I'm done with this.

Plans.Plans.Plans.Plans. I detest plans. I love plans. I love order.
but we had plans...

This year has been for us. For terrible change. For mourning and memories. For collecting and letting go. For poor judgement and confusion, and accepting the things I cannot change. For living in three different places that all lie in the same city. For not following through.
This year has been for making an utter mess of my life. Success.

Tomorrow is just a day, just as the day that follows will be.
And so, despite the day, this new year will be for taking responsibility of my own actions, for getting things in order, for coming and going, and hopefully some love-filled welcome good- byes. For using my time wisely, and loving everything I can.

Dreadfully sorry for the photo. It had to be done. This is letting go.

Thank you to those who love me.
and listened.
and care.
and helped me move my life from place to silly place.

I am still.